Derrick and I had been high school sweethearts at North Western High, Rock Hill, South Carolina. Most days, we take the bus home together because he stays a few blocks away from my house. We were almost inseparable during our last senior year. We even applied to the same college so we didn’t have to deal with the distance. Now that we are in college, our love has grown stronger. It is our second year of dating and we hope to get married someday. We were going to get our fairy tale ending after college.
I was all Derrick until my English teacher introduced a transfer student, Kyle, who had just moved to South Carolina, to the class. He had come from Charleston. He was blonde and tall and cute. I took an instant liking. I thought about what it would feel like kissing him. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I mean, I had a boyfriend whom I loved so much. Why was I feeling this much attraction to another guy?
I stomped on the thought as hard as I could but I found that days after Kyle was introduced to the class, I still liked him. My feelings for him were increasing. It also didn’t help that we had English class together almost all the time. It didn’t in any way reduce the love I had for Derrick but I knew I felt something for Kyle. I kept it to myself but I felt horrible. I kept wondering how it was possible to have a boyfriend and still like another guy. Was I already cheating?
We don’t have total control over who we have feelings for, but I understand that the thought makes you feel terrible like you’re already cheating on your partner. YOU NEED TO RELAX and ask yourself if you are being too hard on yourself or not.
Professor David P. Barash, author of Out of Eden: The Surprising consequences of polygamy, is of the opinion that human beings are polygamous in nature. Therefore, cheating comes naturally until you have made the decision not to cheat. Research has shown that 50 percent of those in relationships have feelings for others.
It is perfectly normal to feel attracted to people. You aren’t immune to finding people attractive just because you’re in a relationship. If you are human, that is. And I would like to think that you, reading this article, are human too. My point is, crushes are normal and don’t have to mean anything. Having a crush while in a relationship is bad only when you:
- Allow it determine how you treat your partner
- Nurture it instead of nipping it in the bud
- Act on it
How can you deal with liking another guy when you have a boyfriend? This article will identify things you ought to do and what you should not do.
Well, to know what you should do you should ask yourself the following questions first:
- Is your relationship a serious one?
- Do you need a break?
- Does this happen often?
- What are your expectations for your relationship?
- Are you happy?
- Do you prefer your current relationship to the one you think you can have with the new guy?
- What do you not like about your current relationship?
- Can you live without your partner?
- Is it really love you’re feeling?
- Is it worth it?
- Will it yield sadness and hurt?
I think if you can answer these questions honestly, then you will know what you should do whenever you find yourself in this situation.
What you should NOT do
Don’t flirt intentionally
Flirting intentionally would mean you have set out to cheat on your boyfriend. Although flirting is not outright cheating, it won’t be long until it becomes so. A woman who is really in love with her partner will not flirt with another man unless love is lacking in her current relationship or she’s lacking some sort of care and affection
Don’t hide it from your significant other
If you have a crush on someone other than your significant other and you hide it, chances are you might act on it and when your partner finds out, it is most definitely the end of the relationship. The worse thing you can do is keep it from your boyfriend and if you feel like its getting in the way, be honest for his sake and yours.
As pressured as you might feel, do not cheat on your boyfriend. I would have to lay extra emphasis on this point. If you are no longer interested in having a relationship with your boyfriend, do him a favor and dump him. Don’t string two guys along. Doing that will make you selfish and you may end up losing both of them in the end.
Here is what you should do instead:
Clarify what you are feeling
How to Talk Dirty to My Boyfriend Examples
Feelings of infatuation may look like real love from the start so there is need to clarify what you are really feeling. Do you feel like you love the other guy more than you love your boyfriend? If you don’t, then it is a phase which will pass with time and an effort to stay faithful to your boyfriend. However, If you do, then it means you might have fallen out of love with your boyfriend and you need to start figuring out what you have to do about the relationship. If and when you decide you should be with the new guy, you have to make a clean break from your boyfriend first. Ending things with him at this point will save you both a whole lot of time and heartbreak.
Imagine breaking up with your boyfriend
Try to picture yourself breaking up with your boyfriend. Do you feel relieved? Or do you feel like you are going to be miserable? How you feel about your boyfriend can be a pointer to whether you need to leave the relationship or stick to it. If you feel relieved to put an end to the relationship, then you are just wasting precious time with him. On the other hand, if you feel miserable at the thought of losing your boyfriend, then you are in the right relationship and your crush is just temporary.
Make up your mind
Cheating when you are in a relationship with someone is about the worst thing you can ever do to your partner. Apart from the fact that it destroys the relationship, it makes it difficult for the partner that is cheated on to trust fully in subsequent relationships. It is better to break up with your partner and go for the new guy if you feel that’s what’s best for you, than being with your boyfriend and cheating with someone else. So, if you have to break up please do.
Emotional attachment is often the result when two people are within close range over time. Is this new guy a colleague at work whom you have spent time with? Is it really love you are feeling? Do you really see yourself with this new guy you’re crushing on? Are you compatible? What are the signs that say you are? Is the feeling of love mutual between you both or is just on your end? You have to be realistic about these things so you don’t make decisions you will end up regretting. Whatever you realize from your findings will determine if you need to act on your crush or not.
Think about staying
Things could change for the better if you really think about staying with your partner. Thinking about it gives room for analyzing what exactly has gone wrong in your relationship. This could lead to discovering the problem and finding a solution. For instance, if you feel that you are having a crush on someone else because your relationship has become boring, you could think of ways to reignite the passion in your relationship. Go out on dates and do the things you used to do(that brought you together in the first place). Try to make the relationship work again.
Talk Dirty to Your Boyfriend
Honesty is the best thing you can gift your partner at this point in time. It may sound crazy but it’s the right thing to do. Talking to your partner about it actually shows that you don’t intend to cheat. It may sound weird but you can tell him those things you find attractive about the new guy and find ways to incorporate it into your relationship. He may not take it well at first but with time he will. If he wants things to work, he might want to recommit to you and the relationship. If the new guy makes you feel all hot and bothered, then I guess its time for you to get closer to your boyfriend. How much you communicate with your partner determines how well your relationship with each other fares. The saying “proper communication is key to having proper , healthy relationships” is not popular for nothing.
Spend less time alone with your crush
While having feelings for someone else while you have a lover is inevitable, you as a person have to make efforts to avoid cheating if you are happy in your relationship but you feel like you might act on your crush. Do not put yourself in positions where its easy to cheat if you can avoid it. For instance, if it’s your study partner that you are getting the butterflies for, you could switch partners or invite someone else to read with both of you. That way you guys have no privacy for whatsoever to happen.
Don’t be hard on yourself
You feel terrible about having feelings for someone else while you are in a relationship, yes, but that does not make you less of a good person than you are. Cut yourself some slack because it could literally happen to anyone. Most times we don’t decide what happens within our minds and bodies. Or hormones get the best of us so don’t be quick to judge or look down on yourself for finding someone other than your boyfriend attractive. It just goes to show that the new guy must really look good and you are able to notice it as the human that you are.
Issues like this in the relationship could blow up and yield anything. You could either stick to your boyfriend and continue your relationship, or you get attached to the new guy, or you lose them both. If you stick to your boyfriend then fine, but if you end up single again, it is not the end of the world. It’s probably the time to switch to self-discovery mode. Don’t get depressed, it might be that you weren’t destined for either of them. Focus on yourself and brace yourself for better experiences.
Liking someone else at the same time you are in love with your boyfriend is inevitable. But as long as you do what is right by your partner and aren’t intentionally flirting after other guys, then the crush can just remain what it is, a crush. Flirting is dangerous as it can lead you want more which in turn leads you to cheat.
The key however, to coming out of this situation unscathed in your relationship is COMMUNICATION. Talk to your significant other about what you feel and seek ways of making your relationship work, together. You can go for a weekend together, plan romantic dinners and have time away from other people to reassure yourselves.
On the other hand, if what you feel is more than a crush, and that the spark in your relationship is gone, be open to your partner and decide what is best for you.
Can a relationship ever survive this situation?
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