Are you one of those whose husband tells mother everything even after years of marriage? Are you worried you are losing the man you love and who claimed to love you? What if he is unaware of the fact that he is hurting you? Are you looking for a way around this?
Well, you made a lucky guess as this was designed for you! Yes, you. I have put this up to help wives who might be going through the trauma of losing their husbands to their mothers-in-law. This is important to me because I hope it saves marriages and restores the joy and love that was once there.
What name is this called?
It would be very hasty and wrong if we conclude without making findings first about your husbands’ state before labelling it a name. To be certain of what your husband is, provide answers to the questions below:
- Does your husband take mother’s wish above yours?
- Does he try to keep in touch with her everyday?
- Whenever he is to make a choice between you and the mother, he choses her?
- Does he live with his mom or very close by?
- Does he find it difficult to decide without his mother?
- Does he still enjoy financial benefits from her?
If your answers are more of ‘yes’ then most likely than often, you are married to a MOMMA’s BOY
Who then is a Momma’s Boy?
A momma’s boy is an adult who is completely attached to the mother when he is meant to be self-dependent. By self-dependent, I mean he can live alone, fend for himself, get married, make decisions, etc.
Although, adulthood varies across societies, it is often time presumed that a momma’s boy is an effeminate male or a man suffering from one personality disorder or the other with the mother acting as the ‘run to for help’ figure.
What is the psychology behind it?
In most societies today, women are usually accorded lesser power to wield and as such, they get to spend more time with their children. According to the Freud Sigmund, there is what we call the Oedipus complex which is the desire a child has, to have sexual commitments with his mother.
This is because of the attachment between the mother and son during childhood. Until the father steps in to separate the bonding, the child may be attached to the mother for life which is what leads to being a momma’s boy.
Most often, situations like this occurs when a single parent is raising a child.
Identify the Source
Before you jump into conclusion on why your husband is a momma’s boy, it is important you check yourself out and ensure you are not the cause of the problem. Trace back your steps and try to remember if at any point you estranged him.
This is important considering the fact that your husband was not like that before he married you. Did you do something wrong to unleash the beast in him? This is the beginning to solving the problem – identifying the source.
If you are not the source, you still have a lot of work to do.
How to deal with a Momma’s boy
If your husband is a momma’s boy, below are ways to deal with him
The first step to dealing with your husband is to accept that his mother would always come first because she has always been there for him before you came along. You should endeavor not to be caught trying to replace the role of the mother in his life. I would advice you stay clear as most times, it is usually a lost cause.
Trying to live a peaceful life would not work that way, rather, take on the positive side of it and manage yourself around the boundaries that has been set. You need to accept that this is what he has become
Most times, momma’s boys do not realize that they are momma’s boys. In fact, they detest the name. So, whatever might be happening might be unintentional. It is your duty to talk to him in a peaceable and loving manner.
Let him in on what he is doing, how you have endured so much and that he needs to caution himself not to hurt you again. Talk honestly but not insulting him.
You can get his attention by asking him what your role is in the relationship. Most often than not, momma’s boys see their mothers as the perfect woman so you need remind him often that you are not his mother and cannot be his mother
Caution him to avoid comparison between you both by stating your role as his wife and not his mother
Stay away from threats
Threats lead to resentments, trust me! When you introduce threats to the situation at hand, you are implicitly saying he must make a choice between the both of you. You should know that neither your husband or his mother is to be blamed so avoid trying to eliminate her.
Your focus should be on changing his person to be self dependent for you and your marriage.
Develop a relationship with the mother
This is a faster way to solve the issue at hand. Spending ample time with his mother just shows that you love him and want the best for him. In return, he would love you more for not trying to tear his relationship with his mother.
More so, his mother would be more supportive of your relationship and would ask that he indulges you whenever decisions are to be made. You can even tell his mum what you think is happening.
Change does not come suddenly. It takes sometime and patience to see the result you are expecting. Just ensure he is trying to be a better husband to you and with time, all would come into full actualization
Go on Vacations together
Arrange fun trips with your husband often to separate him from his mother a while. You can bring up the idea of a no phone trip just two of you all alone. These times, he would learn to make salient decisions without his mother’s influence. He would also learn to appreciate you more
Learn to make strong decisions
Analyze the situation of your marriage critically. If he is ready to change, you should allow him but if not, you might have to walk away. At other times, you can insist on not going to visit his mom or not do what he wants you to do. At critical times, sentiments should be eroded to make the clear-cut decisions
For more, watch this video
How to manage dealing with a Momma’s boy
At times, dealing with a Momma’s boy can be a lot of work to handle as it is quite impossible to separate the bond a son shares with the mother. As good as the bond sounds, it would have adverse effect on your marriage if it is not well handled.
In trying to find a truce, the goal is not to eliminate anyone but to satisfy everyone. So, you must solve the issue as partners. Below are tips to help you with that:
Write to him
At times, telling a man his shortcomings to his face might cause an uproar, not allowing him have a reflection on what is being said. A smarter way to handling this can be by writing to him.
Remember we are trying to solve a problem. So, you need to go about it maturely and not offensively. Start by reminding him of how you both started out together. Let him know how precious those times were and how much you missed them
You can move on to telling him how much you love him and how you want to spend the rest of your life with him. Afterwards, present the problem in the subtlest form and ask for the man you once knew. This would give him time to reflect on the past few years together
Be smart enough to write him this letter when he is far away from his mother and when he is at the best of moods.
Appeal to his emotions
I know it is not possible to acquire all his mother’s attributes but you really might just need to act like his mum to get to him. Say, adopt her culinary skills by preparing his best delicacies often.
You can also engage him in conversations that he loves e.g. sports, business, etc. just to win his heart. He would get fond of you and would want to be around you more often.
Live far from the Mother
As the wife, you should insist to live far away from his mother. More so, you should not accept her living in your matrimonial home. This is a preventive measure to avoid unnecessary hassle in your home.
If your mother-in-law wants to come around, do not refuse her. Just ensure you and your husband agree to a period for her visitation. This increase your husband’s chances of being self dependent and self reliant.
Things to avoid when dealing with a Momma’s boy
- In dealing with your husband and his attachment with his mother, you must thread carefully. Firstly, you must not be found in a duel with her. For God sake, why should you fight your mother-in-law? Any issue you might have with your marriage is between yourself and your husband
- Transferring aggression to his mother is you telling her that she is incapable of being a mother. Take things calmly and patiently. At times, all that it takes is that you behave courteously.
- You also should not be found throwing threats at both parties. If you do this, your husband would see it as disrespect and he might be forced to choose his mother over you. Never be offensive.
- You should also not be found trying to retaliate. Remember two wrongs does not make a right? The aim is to solve a problem not compound it
- Do not allow your mother-in-law take up your responsibilities in your home. Every responsibility of yours that relates to taking care of your husband should not be thrown away in anger because of the situation of things. Remember these things might be the only channel to get through to your husband
Are there any benefits to being a momma’s boy that you can capitalize on?
Contrary to public opinion, there are still some significant benefits of being a momma’s boy. These benefits, if maximized could help you win your husband back
Calm and easy going
Momma’s boys are usually very calm, easy going and receptive to the needs of those around them. He might have to talk a lot with his mother but he would never ignore the needs of his family. This character makes it even easy to help him see reasons why being a momma’s boy is toxic to your marriage
Helps in relating better with people
Momma’s boys are very good communicators making them well loved by everyone. Studies claim that a man’s relationship with his mother helps them relate better with others making it a plus to them.
Improved mental health
Having a close relationship with one’s mother provides your husband with a better meaning of masculinity which in turn improves his mental health as there are hardly momma boys who do not know how to express their feelings.
You can watch this video for more insight on the benefit of being a Momma’s boy
I hope you had a pleasurable time reading this list. More so, was it beneficial to the problem at hand? Paying close attention to details would produce the right results. Like I said earlier, my purpose of producing this content is to see that marriage issues are solved, peace and love restored to families. I hope this purpose is truly fulfilled.
Do well to share your experiences and how this writeup helped you below in the comment section
Remember, the best way to handle such situation is by trying to see the best in the other parties.
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