If you have watched a lot of romantic comedies and listened to probably a few friends, you would know that break up sex is considered to be very hot and steamy. It’s the idea of having something you pretty much can’t have; it’s seen as sex without ramifications. As much as this might sound pleasing, it has its negative effects.
Relationships are intrinsically very addictive and in a normal circumstance, the two love birds constantly crave the touch of each other. During breakup sex, the weaker party is at a disadvantaged position because they might crave more of the person they can’t have. It revives the hope of fixing a relationship that the other partner doesn’t want.
Even though it manages to be fixed, it might only last a week or two. A certified sex therapist Holly Richmond corroborates this by saying that break up sex would not save a relationship. So before you suggest, or agree to have breakup sex, in the hopes that you’ll get back together with your ex, here are some major factors to consider first.
11 Things To Consider Before Breakup Sex
- 1 11 Things To Consider Before Breakup Sex
- 2 FAQs
- 3 The Bottom Line
We often misunderstand the meaning of closure and sleeping with your ex definitely doesn’t give you the closure that you need. Rather it leaves you in a more confused state. Psychologists believe that breakup sex is more erotic and emotional because the two people realize that they are losing the person they love.
So all the hurt they feel is transferred to sexual emotion, because of how intense the session is, you’re going to walk out that door still trying to revive the relationship. That doesn’t sound like closure to me.
2. It brings back emotions
After raunchy breakup sex, you are often reminded of why you really love this person. Breakup sex has a way of reviving those feelings you thought you were capable of putting behind you. You may have agreed to the idea of getting one last chance to have sex after a breakup, but it ends up digging up those concealed emotional feelings you had for him.
Founder of dating transformation, Connell Barrett states that nostalgia acts as an aphrodisiac. Reminiscing on good times in the relationship can make one forget the hurt of the breakup. Breakups are difficult, and like a drug, we experience withdrawal symptoms now and then. Having sex again just takes us ten steps back from the progress made.
Rachel Needle, a psychologist in modern sex therapy institute, states that it might make you feel good at the moment but it’s not guaranteed to last.
3. It delays the healing process
It’s not a good idea to get back in bed with an ex, thinking it’s the last time you’ll have sex with him. Often people would advise to block him off social media, his phone numbers, and any other way he can reach you. These extremities just show how strong emotions are and how difficult it is to move on if you don’t act intentionally.
Having breakup sex one way or the other stalls your healing process. You may say “It’s just one time, it’s the last time we’ll have sex ever!” but the mind begins to reminisce constantly on scenes from that day, and moving on starts taking longer.
4. Mental health
It’s really difficult being with someone who doesn’t want to be with you. Not only is it depressing but tells of your self-worth and mental health. It’s not a good idea to complicate things just because you want one last chance to have the ‘best sex ever.’
If you have the idea that things can still work out, and still have emotional ties, it will even affect you more after you’ve had breakup sex. It’s not healthy pining over someone who doesn’t want you.
5. There’s a chance it will happen again
Once you have breakup sex and it went well, the likelihood of that happening again is pretty high. Things get cordial between the both of you and you might casually meet up to catch up on life and before you know it, you can’t get your hands off each other.
Things easily progress from a ‘casual friend situation’ to a friend with benefits relationship. This is not progress and healing you want, and it may even lead to an emotional breakdown when you find out he’s dating someone else and still sleeping with you.
6. It gives false hope
You feel you both can work through whatever it is that went wrong, but sex doesn’t fix the issues in a relationship. Sex is just an addition to a couple and a way of expressing how they both feel. If things are rotten in relationship land, sex definitely cannot fix it. You may want to patch things up with him, but he just wants one more ride before he hits the road.
It’s not a good idea to agree to this, you may be seeing this as makeup sex, but he sees it as what it is; casual breakup sex.
7. It’s confusing
Having sex with a person who just broke up with you and can create a confusing situation. Are we back together? What does this mean? All these questions linger and leave you confused, it’s best to leave things as they were and not involve sex to hurdle up your thoughts, even though it’s just supposed to be a one-time thing.
After breakup sex, it’s always awkward. You both are broken up so what’s the point of spooning and cuddling afterward. There are no laid down rules to what really is expected. It’s best to avoid the awkwardness and not put yourself in that situation.
9. He might be using you
When a guy breaks up, they often would have given it much thought before actually doing it. For you who still has feelings, it might leave you wondering if something positive can come from this. At the end of the day, you end up getting used to physical satisfaction with no expectations. It might be intentional or unintentional but one of you is using each other either way.
10. You already said goodbye
It’s very difficult to say goodbye to the one we love especially when we realize we are casting ourselves into stranger land, however, saying goodbye once makes it easier. Don’t go through the stress of saying it twice or three times, it makes it more unbearable.
Sometimes after breakup sex, we are left with injured pride. We probably were not treated the way we expected to be. The thought of getting back together lingers so we get hurt when our exes do not respond in the way we expect them to. It’s important to maintain a sense of self-worth, you are better than this even though you don’t think so currently.
If you broke up amicably and have no residual feelings then sure, knock yourself out, but if you know you still harbor feelings for your ex then that would be a disservice to you and your mental health.
It is advisable to break up if there is no sexual compatibility between you and your partner. If your sex drive is low and you don’t care much about it then that’s fine. If it matters to you, then its best to find someone you are sexually compatible with.
Avoid any physical and intimate connection with the person. Stay away from the person for 90 days for a start. Sexual connection is like a drug and requires more than one intentional effort to wean yourself off the person.
It’s difficult to get over an ex so it’s really possible for exes to fall in love again. Breakup sex could easily turn to make up sex, especially when the connection hadn’t died completely.
If you are still invested in the relationship and secretly having hopes that sex could be the remedy to the issues you both have, then no you should not keep sleeping with your ex. It would be best for you to take time to heal so you can move on to more healthy relationships.
The Bottom Line
Never assume that sex will revive a relationship. If you are in a space where you are over your ex and can in fact be friends with benefits, psychologists have nothing against that. However, if you still harbor hopes, then consider these tips above before you jump into bed with your ex.
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