How to Deal With Loving Someone You Can’t Have

Love is one of the
most complicated things in the world, and it only feels more complicated if you
are in love with someone that you can’t have. At some point in all our lives,
we have either been in this situation or, and sorry to say it, are probably yet
to be in this situation. It is heart-breaking to know that you are in love with
someone that you can’t have.

You might be in love with someone who is already in a relationship, someone that lives on the other side of the world or someone who is your best friend. Whatever the more personal details are, the fact that you can’t have them but you love them, remains the same.

Being in this
situation can hurt more than a break-up would because you feel like you have
missed out on a chance to show this person just how great your love can be and
what you could have been if you were together. So, how are you supposed to deal
with something that hurts beyond control?

This is where this
article is here to help you. Even though by the end of the article I will not
have magically taken away your feelings for this person, I will have given you
some great advice and useful tips about how to deal with your emotions. You
will find yourself a more experienced individual in the field of love by the
time you move on.

1. The first step is
to sit down and think about your emotions towards this person.

I want you to find
somewhere you feel comfortable and safe to bring up emotions within yourself.
For example, it could be your bedroom or a cozy living room. Once you have sat
down and made yourself comfortable, I want you to take a piece of paper and put
the person’s name in the middle or at the top of the page. Now, you need to
think deeply about all of the emotions this person brings up for you.

Seeing as you can’t
have this person, you might have subconsciously tried to mute all your emotions
for them and bottle them up or push them down inside of you. To really deal
with the situation, you need to drag up all of the emotions. This can be really
painful if you know that they don’t feel the same. However, it’s necessary.

So, around or under
that person’s name you need to write all of the emotions that you feel towards
them. The important thing here is that you need to be thinking and writing
these things down with no judgment of yourself. Take the other person’s
feelings out of the equation. How do you feel?

Once you have written
all of the emotions down, give yourself some time to mull them over and think
about them one by one. Now that you have acknowledged your emotions, you can
start to deal with them whenever you feel like they are coming up. Whenever an
emotion comes up you can just think to yourself, “I acknowledge this feeling
and I know that I don’t have to act on it.”

It might be useful to
keep the piece of paper in a safe place. When you feel like one of the emotions
on the sheet comes up, focus in on it.

 After a while
and when you feel like you are really moving on, you can return to the sheet and
look for the feelings that you no longer hold for this person. Once you have
identified them, you can cut them out and burn them. This can also be a
therapeutic thing to do. Soon you will realize that you have burned all of the
emotions. You have finally cut all your emotional ties to this person.

2. Take time away from
this person or cut your contact completely.

This point will
obviously differ depending on how often you see this person. For example, it
might be really easy to stop your contact completely with someone who is just
an acquaintance. However, if you work with this person then obviously you will
see them at work.

Whatever the
situation, it is vital that you put distance between the two of you. By
creating distance, you can then allow yourself time to heal. If you are quite
close to this person and they know that you love them, you can always tell them
that you are going to be taking some time away from them. This will make it a
lot easier for them to understand why you have suddenly stopped texting them or
meeting them for coffee. I will discuss confronting the person in the next
point, so we don’t need to cover it in a lot of detail now.

If this person is
someone that you work with, you can create distance from yourself in the
office. If before you used to go on lunch break together, make sure that you
take your lunch at a different time or go to a different café.

You need to allow yourself time away from them so that you can heal. Only after you have healed yourself and you know that you don’t love them anymore, should you resume seeing them or making an effort with them. However, be careful with that. Even if you think you might be over them, seeing them could trigger some emotions within you, and you don’t want to have to go through this process of healing again.

3. Confront the person
and tell them how you feel.

It could be really
beneficial for you to find some closure of the situation by speaking to the
person. Obviously, it depends on how open you were with them in the first place.
So, if they don’t even know that you exist, it’s probably not best to go and
spill all your thoughts to them. However, if you are relatively close to them,
you can speak to them.

To avoid putting
pressure on them or making them feel awkward, you can tell them that you don’t
really need any response for them, but you just need to get something off your
chest. Then, be honest with them. Tell them how you feel. Then tell them that
you are going to take some space from them and that they need to respect that.

Once you have told them how you feel, you might feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. It will have helped you put an end to your longing for a relationship with them.

4. Ensure you have a
strong support system around you, that understands what you are going through.

When you are having a
hard time, it is always important to have a strong and supportive network
around you. This is normally made up of close friends and family. You will
trust them, and you should tell them what you are going through and how you are
feeling.

It is probable that a
lot of them have been through what you are going through right now, in the
past. They might be able to give you some really great advice. However, even if
they are not clued up about what you are going through, they can support you in
other ways. If your friends and family know that you are feeling particularly
emotionally distraught, they will help you to feel better by doing an array of
things, like spending time with you more, checking up on you and showing you
some love.

5. Allow yourself some time to grieve.

You need to allow
yourself some time to mourn the loss of something you wish could have been. You
are upset, so let it out. You need to allow yourself to feel your emotions
fully and don’t judge yourself. It is better that you get your emotions out of
the way now than push them to the back of your mind and still find yourself
upset about everything further down the line.

However, it’s crucial
to say that I do not recommend hiding away and crying on your bed for long. The
maximum I would probably say that you could do this for, intensely, is about a
day. If you allow yourself to be upset for too long, you might actually slip
into a depressive episode.

Of course, you might
feel upset from time to time about this person, but it is a good idea to try to
get all the hurt and sadness out of the way in the beginning. You will also
probably feel strangely refreshed once you have got all the tears out of your
system.

6. Do something productive
to help you get through the pain.

In order to move on
and deal with the love you are feeling, you can do more than cry. You could
actually start to do something productive and useful, which can also help you
through the pain. For example, decide to take up a new artistic hobby or vow to
get fit.

Anything to do with
being creative is a great idea. You will be able to really express your
emotions through any of the arty mediums. Whether you decide to take up a
painting class or you start to learn how to play the guitar, you will be able
to show your pain, anger or upset through doing these things. It can feel
soothing to let out your feelings whilst doing something enjoyable.

You could also start
to exercise more. If you make a conscious effort to get fit, not only will your
body improve but it will do great things for your mind. When we exercise, we
release endorphins which make us feel great. Also, if you are feeling angry or
frustrated in particular, you could decide to take a class like kickboxing or
start to learn a type of martial arts. This will allow you to release any
anger, in a safe way.

7. Indulge in some
self-love.

When you are feeling
down, it can be a really good idea to indulge in some self-love, especially if
love is the reason you are feeling upset. It is time to make yourself and your
happiness your main priority. The first steps you can take to love yourself are
very simple and physical acts.

For example, run
yourself a bubble bath, light some candles and do a face mask. Or, you could
cook a wonderful dinner for yourself and enjoy it in front of your favorite
movie. Or, you could go and get your nails done. You need to do whatever makes
you feel good about yourself, straight away.

After all, you need to
remind yourself that you are not the reason that the person can’t love you.
Nothing is wrong with you. You are a beautiful person who is more than
deserving of perfect love.

After you have done
some real pampering to yourself, it might be time to start taking the self-love
to a higher level. You not only need to love your body, but you need to love
and appreciate your mind too. You could start to incorporate some self-love and
self-appreciation mantras into your everyday routine. Another great tactic is
to stand in front of a mirror every morning and make yourself say five nice
things about yourself.

Within no time, you
will feel like your self-confidence is better than ever.

8. Start to date other
people.

Before you begin to
date other people, you need to make sure that you are past the stage of being
distraught and constantly thinking about the person you can’t have. Of course,
you can still feel a little upset about it, but it is not fair to start dating
other people if you are still really hung up on someone else.

I’m not telling you to
go and jump straight into a new relationship, but what is the harm in dating a
few people? Meeting new people can open you up to all kinds of possibilities
and can be a great way to take your mind off your old love.

You will also realize
that there are so many people out there who you are open to love and you can be
with. It will give you a new perspective on love and relationships. You will
understand that being hung-up on someone that you can’t have is a waste of time
when there are so many great people out there that you can be with.

9. Spend more time
with people who love you.

Earlier on, I spoke
about making sure that you have a support network around you, which is so
vital. However, once you are feeling a little bit better, you need to start
getting yourself out there and spend more time doing things you like, with
people you love and who love you back.

You should start to
grab every opportunity that comes your way. Now you have stopped uncontrollably
thinking about your lost love, you will realize that you have a lot of free
time! This can feel really empowering if you utilize this time to do things you
like. You will be replacing your previously sad time, with happier times. 

Maybe it would be a
good idea to start organizing a weekly dinner for all of your friends or make
an effort to go and spend time with grandparents. Doing things with people you
love will make for a really happy time and eventually you will have a happy
mindset.

10. Finally, move
forward and still be open to the idea of love.

After you have taken
all of the steps above, it is time to move on from the person that you couldn’t
have. You need to move on with a clear mind and an open heart. Don’t go into
the world of love with a negative mindset, or negative things will probably
follow. You need to realize that there are so many people out there that you
can have, it is just unfortunate that this one time you fell for someone that
you couldn’t. You are deserving of a love that will fulfill you and the perfect
person is out there for you, you just have to be open to the idea of
love. 

You will eventually be
able to look back on this painful time as an experience that has helped you
grow into a stronger individual. You must also realize that you have opened
yourself up to the prospect of a real and mutual love. 

Conclusion

I really hope that
this article will help you if you are trying to deal with loving someone that
you can’t have. It can be really difficult to get through, but the most
important thing to do is to allow yourself to feel how you are feeling and
don’t judge yourself.

Remember that you will
get through this, and the pain you are experiencing now is only temporary.

Did this article help
you at all? If it did and you liked what you read, please let us know in the
comments. We would love to hear from you.