Are you suffering from the pain of an unrequited love?
Do you feel like you love him but he doesn’t love you?
Are you looking for a way to stop feeling so terrible and move on with your life?
Or perhaps you’re hoping there’s still a way to make him fall in love with you?
Either way, you should read on because this article features a step-by-step guide to help you out of this horrible situation.
But first, I want to share an important story that you might find incredibly helpful.
A few years ago, I read an article about a little-known aspect of male psychology called the ‘Hero’s Instinct’. This article turned my love life upside-down.
It turns out this primal instinct appears to be held by most men – and it can have a huge impact on how they feel about their romantic partners.
When a woman learns how to trigger it in a man, it’s common for him to experience tremendous feelings of love and affection towards her.
I decided to test the principles on a man I was interested in – and it turned out that the information was all true. Before long, that guy started chasing me HARD – and many guys after him would also develop feelings for me really quickly (read my personal story to learn more).
This psychological trigger releases deeply-held feelings that all men want to feel – purpose, power, intense self-love. Naturally, he’ll be strongly drawn to any woman who can make him experience these emotions.
So, if there’s a man in your life who you wish would give you more affection, I’d highly recommend you learn more about how I discovered the power of the ‘Hero’s Instinct’.
Indeed, this may be enough to transform your relationship with this man who doesn’t love you.
This article is
hopefully going to help you through the tough time you are facing now and bring
you out the other side a stronger person who stands emotionally healed and
prepared for whatever will come your way.
According to social psychologist Roy Baumeister, 98% of us have suffered from unrequited love at one time or another in our lives, and I can certainly say I have been there and felt the pain it causes. Therefore, as it is something the majority of us go through, I think it’s important to talk about the pain that comes with rejection or unrequited love.
Too often, when we
hear about the love we hear of the fairy-tale-like process of falling in love
and the world of love sounds almost mystical. As much as love is fantastic and
joyous, sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, they don’t love you
back.
So, I’m here to
unearth the sometimes-sad reality of love and share details about how we should
act when things don’t go to plan.
Deciding whether or
not to take action.
Contents
Firstly, it is
essential to note that unreturned love can happen to anyone, in any situation.
It doesn’t matter if you’re in a relationship or not. It all hurts the same.
However, the first action to take when you find yourself in this situation will
differ depending on the status of the relationship.
For those in a relationship:
I would suggest that
if you are in a full relationship with the person who isn’t returning your
love, speak to them. Communication is key. Figure out what is going on between
you and if what’s happening, is for sure, unrequited love. If that is the case,
I would suggest not settling for this.
Before you decide to
leave the relationship, it is probably best to get an outsider’s opinion on
your situation, to see if what is going on is unrequited love or other issues.
You can possibly seek the help of a relationship counsellor, or even confide in
trusted family and friends.
Everyone deserves a
healthy and robust relationship where two people share in love, without
constant worry if their partner loves them or not. If you were not to leave the
relationship, and continue in a one-sided relationship, you are just allowing
yourself to get more hurt further down the line.
For those dating:
If you are dating, and
feel that they don’t love you back, it’s not a good idea to go into a
relationship with that person. If you do move into a relationship with them,
you might be hoping that their love with suddenly gain momentum for you. Being
in a formal relationship is not going to change how that person feels about
you, and unfortunately, if they’re not reciprocating the love, it’s probably
best to stop the relationship going any further. You deserve the best, from the
very start.
Having to leave a relationship or put a halt to seeing someone because the love you give them isn’t being reciprocated hurts. I’m not here to sugar coat anything for you. I know that it hurts like hell. It’s almost like an exaggerated breakup. You come away feeling disheartened, rejected and with low self-esteem. But reading onwards, you’ll see that you can pick yourself and live an even better life without that person. It will get better, and I’m here to help speed along the process of recovery for you.
1. Distance yourself from the person.
Taking time away from
the person who has hurt you is the first step to healing yourself. It might
also stop things from blowing up – unnecessary arguments or nasty texts. Ask
the person who has hurt you to give you some space. If they respect you and
care about you, they will appreciate this and leave you to work through how you
feel.
Nowadays, social media
is hazardous when it comes to trying to move on from someone and get away from
your feelings. The easiest thing to do is to block them or defriend them. This
will stop yourself from continually clicking on their profile and essentially
stalking what they’re doing and who they’re with. If you think you will call or
negatively text them, it may also be useful to delete their phone number. All
these things make it easier for you, as you’re not constantly reminded of them.
If you think they’re going to take offence to you unfollowing/deleting them, it
might be a good idea to send a civil message to them, explaining its just best
if you create some distance between them and you, for now.
2. Check in with your pain and accept it
Ask yourself – How do
you feel? Emotional pain not only causes your mind pain but can cause physical
pain too. Edward Smith, a Psychologist at Columbia University, researched
emotional pain with his team and found out that it activates along the same
neural pathways as physical pain.
Therefore, being in
the situation of unrequited love can hurt physically – as if you’ve been
punched in the gut. If you think about it, we are all familiar with the
physical feeling of pain –think back to a negative emotional event that
occurred in the past, you can still feel the pain lying in your stomach.
If you can recognise
that the pain as normal when it comes up, you are already on your way to moving
on. What you are feeling is normal – it’s horrible, but it is normal. Countless
people before you have felt the way you are feeling right now, and they are now
living happy lives. I promise you, the pain will start to get better.
However, it is crucial
to keep track of how you feel as rejection can cause or trigger mental health
problems. If you start to notice you are thinking very negative thoughts,
feeling helpless or thinking about harming yourself – you need to know that
this is not normal. It could indicate that you are falling into depression. If
you are feeling like this, please see a mental health practitioner or speak to
someone you can trust.
Now you have accepted your pain is normal, is time to embrace the sadness – for a while.
This might be an unusual thing to recommend, but you need to allow yourself time to get upset. You need to get it all out of your system. If you brush the feelings off and fake that you’re okay, the emotions are just going to bubble up inside you, and they will come out at some point. Most likely, when you aren’t expecting it. It is better to address the sadness you are feeling as soon as possible, so then you can get on with your life as a healed individual, who isn’t going to burst into an unexpected breakdown anytime soon.
Now, it is important
to note I am not telling you to go into a grieving state and put off real-life
for weeks on end, but initially, it is vital to get all your negative emotions
out. Some things you can do initially are as follows:
– Crying can be very therapeutic. Admittedly, we are all aware of the almost cleansed state you feel after having a good cry. So, if you feel like crying, cry.
– Get immersed in art. Do something that soothes you, whether that be painting, playing music or writing. Art is an excellent way to express your emotions.
– Do exercise. This is a really overlooked point, but exercise can be fantastic if you are feeling upset or angry. Scientifically, endorphins are released after working out, which is guaranteed to make you feel better. But also, if you’re feeling angry or frustrated, maybe take a class of kickboxing – it will help to release all the pent-up energy, in a safe way.
After you have been
able to release most of this sad energy out from within you, you will
definitely begin to feel better. Hopefully, you will feel like you’re almost
cleansed from the sadness.
3. Clean out all the things that remind you of this person
Now you’ve cleared
your head, it is just as important to clean your space physically. Gather
together all the items that remind you of your love. This can be anything from
small gifts from him to pictures on your phone of the two of you. Get rid of
it. Get free of it all. Otherwise, every time you see that little cuddly
teddy-bear in your bedroom, you will think of him.
The clearing out
process can also be very therapeutic. You are absolutely entitled to cry as you
throw things away. I would recommend saying goodbye to him in your mind, as you
say goodbye to the things that are associated with him.
After throwing all the
objects out, why not indulge a little in filling your space with things that
can bring you a new sense of happiness now? You have wanted a small plant in
your room for a while, but maybe there hadn’t been enough space? Well, now
there is.
While I am
definitely encouraging treating yourself, I do not recommend recklessly
spending money. Any reckless behaviour while going through a rejection can be a
cause of concern.
4. Surround yourself by people who love you and support you
After being a victim
of unrequited love, you will most likely feel like your self-esteem has been
knocked. So, it is vital that make a conscious effort to be surrounded by those
who love you and want the best for you. These people will most likely include
your closest friends and family. They are your support network – when things go
wrong, they always have your back. They will build your confidence up, even if
you don’t feel self-confident. They will show you affection. Your heart needs
to be reminded that it is worthy of love– of course, it is, but I understand
that right now you might not be thinking that. They will be there when you need
a shoulder to cry on, and they will be there to take your phone off you if
possibly you’ve had one too many glasses of wine and the last thing you need to
be doing is calling him.
Surrounding yourself
and spending time with family and friends can make you feel so much better. It
might also help to speak with them about the situation because I’m sure a lot
of them have been through the very same thing before. Spending time with loved
ones can also open you up to new opportunities in life that you wouldn’t have
been able to take advantage of or fully enjoy if you had stayed in the loveless
relationship.
5. Start to say yes to everything.
If your friends ask
you to dinner, go. If your family invite you to go on holiday with them, go. If
an opportunity comes up at your work to go for a promotion, do it. Once you
start to be more open to life, life will offer you more. As they say, when one
door closes, another one opens. This doesn’t have to be taken in the sense of
losing a romantic partner and straight away getting a new one, (In fact, at
this point I would steer clear of trying to make any romantic connections. You
need to work through how you feel and start to love yourself again first before
you can try to love anyone else). But this can simply mean that something good
will be coming its way because you have closed a chapter of your life that no
longer serves you.
Another really
beneficial thing you should do is to try new things. If you’ve ever wanted to
try new hobbies or to meet new people, now is a great time to start doing that.
Get involved with your local charity, join an art class or arrange weekly
friend meetups. Things like this can also be beneficial if you used to spend
lots of time with him and you’re feeling a little lost on how to fill that time
now.
Once your social life
and work-life are on the up, you might realise how much you accomplish now that
you’re not uncontrollably sad over someone who can’t give you what you deserve
anyway. Being busy will not only take your mind away from anxious thoughts if
they creep in, but it is also necessary. It sounds brutal, but you can actually
use this to your motivation – the world doesn’t stop because you feel
upset.
6. Try to get to know yourself better & love yourself again
After pouring love
towards someone for so long, you might have forgotten to focus on yourself. You
need to really appreciate yourself, now more than ever. So why not spend some
time pouring love towards yourself for a change?
You might feel like
you’re not ‘good enough’ or that it was your fault that the love was
unrequited. This is absolutely not the case, but I know that it can feel like
that. So, make sure you give yourself some good self-care and self-love. When
you are alone, it is a really fantastic time to really get to know yourself and
what you want going forward. Work towards personal development, look deep
inside, ask yourself some of life’s big questions like what truly makes you
happy or think about where you want to see yourself in five years.
Moving forward
romantically, if you know yourself, you are not only going to be a more
attractive partner, but you will most likely not go for someone who is wrong
for you. So, start now. Get to know yourself and show yourself some love. You
really deserve it.
7. Know that you deserve someone who loves you.
Finally, you should
realise that you are deserving of love – real, mutual love. This man was
clearly no good for you if he didn’t love you in the way that you loved him.
Once you have conquered your way through feeling emotional and in pain, you can
start to think about the relationship from a purely non-biased, level headed
view. I am confident that when you look back over it, you will be able to see
that even before the point of acknowledging the unrequited love, he wasn’t the
right one for you.
You can look back on
the relationship you shared as an experience — a learning curve.
You have learnt from
the experience and will have grown as a person in so many ways. It is also
essential to add that in the process of letting go of him and the relationship
you shared, you have opened yourself up to the prospect that real love will
come your way.
8. Credit yourself for stepping forward and taking control of leaving the relationship
Well done. Instead of
choosing to stay in a one-sided relationship, you decided to break free and
suffer the pain that comes with that. You clearly had high regard for your
self-worth and knew what you truly deserved the whole time, even if it didn’t
feel like it. Now that you have torn down the barrier that was stopping you
from finding true love, a whole world of pure romance is opened up to you.
You should be
exceptionally proud that you have survived the emotional distress and healed
yourself through it. Although it is a heart-breaking situation, you will have
learnt so many lessons throughout this whole process, and you will be ready for
real love when it comes around, and it will. It will be the type of love you
don’t even need to question; you will just be able to feel it.
“Someday you’re going to look back on this moment of life as such a sweet time of grieving. You will see that you were in mourning, and your heart was broken, but your life was changing”. – Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love.
If you’re still a little
curious, please see this Youtube video by Psych2Go about dealing with
unrequited love
Conclusion
I really hope I was
able to help some of you through the horrific pain that is being a victim of
unrequited love. I’m included in the 98% of people who have been in this
situation at some point in their life, and it is really tough. When I went
through it, I couldn’t find articles on what I should be doing or how I could
have helped myself, sp I was inspired to write this.
I think it is vital
not only to be open about the positive aspects of falling in love, but also the
bits that aren’t so great, and how to overcome the pain when it happens.
Did this article help
you to overcome the situation of someone not loving you back?
If it did and you
liked what you read, please let us know in the comments and share it with
anyone you feel needs to see this.
If you have any
questions about what’s written, it would be great to hear from you.
And of course, if you
want to share any personal stories about your experiences with unrequited love,
or you have any tips that helped you overcome the pain, please let us
know.
Source link: hernorm.com