Are you concerned that
your marriage is heading into a deep pit that you won’t be able to rescue it
from? Or do you simply just feel like it’s not going as you planned it to? I completely
understand that this can feel like a difficult and confusing time for you. You
might feel angry that you let it get to this point, or you might wonder how it
actually got to this dark stage.
The first thing you
need to do is not go into a state of despair too quickly and start a frenzied
panic. We will get to the bottom of it. This article is going to help you so
that you can figure out if your marriage really is or isn’t over. Then, towards
the end of the article, we are going to decide how you really feel about your
marriage, and how you can move forward in the best way possible.
So, firstly let’s go
over the ten alarming signs that your marriage might be over.
1. You no longer enjoy
spending time with your partner.
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This might seem like
an obvious one, but you might not have really thought about it before the
sentence was placed in front of you. Do you still enjoy spending time with your
spouse? Or, do you prefer spending time with other people a lot more? Ask
yourself these questions and answer honestly.
Of course, we all go
through periods of time where our partners annoy us, and we prefer the good
company of friends. However, this is definitely not how you should be feeling
long term. Your spouse should be the person you want to spend the majority of
your time with because when you are around them you feel happy and at peace. If
they are not, and you actually couldn’t think of anything worse than spending
time with them, it is a sure sign that your marriage is over, definitely for
you emotionally anyway.
2. You seem to be
constantly arguing.
If you feel like you
are constantly arguing, this is a bad sign. Of course, we all argue with our
partners, but that should only ever be occasionally. You might notice that no
matter what you are talking about, an argument will always come out of it.
It’s especially bad if
you get annoyed at each other and pick arguments where there is no need for
them. A lot of this will probably occur when it comes to domestic work. For
example, you might complain to your husband that he didn’t load the dishwasher,
but it might end up that he is shouting at you about something much deeper and
more serious.
Can you actually
remember a time where you are your partner were just simply happy living
together? If you can’t, and all you can think of is all the times you have
argued or been upset, then this is a really big concern.
3. You seem to not be
arguing at all.
Completely contrary to
my previous point, if you don’t argue at all this could also be a sign
everything is getting worse within your marriage. Arguing to a certain extent
is essential, it shows that there is still a fiery passion within the
relationship.
If you can’t remember
the last time you disagreed, it could be because you are becoming accustomed to
your dull marriage, sorry to put it bluntly. Do you feel like it is easier to
agree with your spouse rather than cause a commotion? This is a huge red flag
that not only the passion has disappeared from your relationship, but also that
you are allowing yourself to be complacent and not speak your truth. This is
not what a marriage should be like.
4. You are not
intimate anymore.
Intimacy is crucial in
any and every relationship. Being intimate allows us to physically cement our
emotional bond to someone. Can you remember the last time that you had sex? If
it was over a month ago, this could be slightly concerning but if it was over
six months ago, this is something you need to address right now. You should not
be in a sexless marriage unless that is your personal choice and you both feel
happy and fulfilled with that.
It’s important
to say that I am not just speaking about having sex because intimacy is so much
more than that. When was the last time you held hands whilst you were walking?
Do you kiss every day? These are the kinds of questions you need to be asking
yourself when it comes to thinking about intimacy in your marriage.
A big sign that your
intimacy has gone out the window is if you both choose to sleep in separate
bedrooms. This just confirms the fact that neither of you wants to even lie
next to each other, never mind have sex together.
Lack of all types of
intimacy in a relationship can lead to infidelity. People that aren’t having
sex and sustaining an intimate connection in their marriage will be tempted to
look elsewhere. This should be a big concern because cheating is definitely a
one-way ticket to your marriage being over.
Of course, a lack of
intimacy might not just be because your marriage is failing, it could be due to
some sexual performance problems that your husband might be experiencing in the
bedroom. Perhaps you need to make sure that he is doing good down there, and
that he hasn’t got a more serious problem.
5. You don’t pick your
partner first anymore.
In a happy marriage,
your partner should be your number one, unless you have children, of course,
then it goes without saying that they are your number ones. However, if your
marriage is over or is on its way to being there, your husband will not be the
first person you choose, to do anything.
For example, at this
very minute, answer these questions:
- You get good news. Who do you call?
- You are in a bad situation. Who do you turn to?
- You have won a free holiday. Who are you going to take with you?
If you chose your
partner for all of the questions, then there is nothing to worry about.
However, if you didn’t, this is a real concern. You might have pushed your
partner to the bottom of your choices when they should be right at the top.
6. You feel lonely.
In a marriage, one thing
you should never feel is loneliness. You are together, with another human being
that you love more than anyone else, every day. You live together, you share
everything in life together, the good times and the bad. So, if you notice that
you feel alone in your relationship, this is a big red flag that something bad
is happening.
Perhaps you feel alone because you feel less of a pull to share things with your partner. It could also be because you are spending a lot of time apart. The most upsetting thing in a marriage is feeling like you are single. A lot of people that feel lonely in their relationships will then begin to act like they are single. I don’t mean that they start dating other people, although this could happen. I mean that they will act as if they are single in their daily lives. For example, they will do whatever they want, start making financial decisions on their own and thinking about their aspirations, alone.
So now it is time to
have a good think and ask yourself if you really feel complete with your
partner at your side, or you feel alone in your marriage?
7. You communicate
less.
In happy
relationships, the couple will normally make time for each other, so they can
simply speak about their day or something else that is on their minds.
Communication is key in a relationship, and even though we might think of
communication being something that can help us avoid arguments and resolve
everything peacefully, here I am speaking about a more day to day
communication. I’m talking about speaking about what you did during the day, or
sharing a story that happened to you at work, or confiding in your partner
about something you are worried about.
When a marriage is
failing, you will start to communicate less., especially if you are just going
to argue if you do speak to each other anyway. Neither of you will actually
take an interest in what the other has to say, so there might be an unwritten
rule that you don’t speak to each other at all. The sharing of experiences and
each other’s emotions will, therefore, start to shut down too. This obviously
ends badly if you don’t notice it straight away.
8. You spend a lot of
your time apart.
Of course, some
couples do just live very independent lives, and sometimes other commitments
such as work can interfere, which means you can’t spend a lot of time together.
However, typically in a marriage, people do tend to spend the majority of their
time with their spouse. Isn’t that the whole reason you married them in the
first place? I’m not saying that people in healthy marriages go on dates three
times a week, but they do sit down to dinner most nights together, sit and
watch television together and spend weekends together.
You should want to speak to your partner and spend time with them. So, if when you think about it you realize that you rarely spend any time with your partner, this could mean that your relationship is breaking down. For example, some couples might both be home but they will always sit in different rooms in an evening, not spending any quality time with their partner except when they are asleep in bed together.
Obviously, we all do
this sometimes, especially if we need our ‘me time’. Time apart is important
too. However, this should not be a regular occurrence. You should both want to
spend time together whenever you can.
9. Everything about
them gets you annoyed now.
Things that you once
thought were endearing and sweet now make you want to scream at them. This is
not because suddenly you have realized that the way they laugh really irritates
you, it is because there is a deeper-rooted reason for which you feel angry at
them.
You might throw out
insults to them for no reason, and they might also start picking out the things
that you do that annoys them. It can seem genuinely strange that once you
genuinely thought that these quirky little traits in your spouse were
attractive to you.
You will likely only
be at the point where everything they do annoys you when you are in a really
weak place in your marriage already. So, if this is happening then you can be
pretty certain that your marriage is coming to an end.
However, it’s
important to say that at some points in all of our lives we get annoyed by
everyone and everything around us. Sometimes we just have days where we can
only deal with ourselves. But, as I say, they should only be days. If your
spouse has been irritating you more long term, the matter is a lot more
serious.
10. You are genuinely
unhappy.
You know
yourself and you know your partner, so you will be able to tell when you are
both genuinely unhappy with the situation. You might only realize that you have
been unhappy for a long time when you stop and think about it, but as soon as
you realize it, you won’t be able to go back from there.
Only one person in the
marriage could be unhappy, but usually, it will be the both of you that feel
miserable. It then becomes a cycle of negative energy going from one person to
the other, and you might both know that the only way to break this is to break
the marriage.
What conclusion have
you come to?
After reading and
thinking about the ten signs above about your marriage, you should now have
been able to work out if your marriage is safe or in danger.
If you don’t relate to
any of the points mentioned above, then your marriage is in the all-clear, and
you can move past this article and keep enjoying your relationship. If you do
relate to some but not all of the points mentioned above, it could mean that
your marriage is slowly deteriorating, but you do have a good amount of time to
pull things back on track before it goes wrong. If you relate to all of the
points mentioned above, I am so sorry that you are feeling like that, and that
is a strong indicator that your marriage is coming to an end.
What action should you
take next?
If you have realized
that your marriage is coming to an end, or it is showing some dangerous signs
that it is worsening, then you need to take some kind of action to fix the
situation.
The first and most
important question that you need to ask yourself is:
– Do you want to work at the relationship, or do you want to leave?
This is clearly a really heavy question, and I don’t expect you to answer it now while you are reading this. If you are not sure, then you could always ask for some advice from people in your support network, and you could even make a list of the positives and negatives of your relationship. However, I need to say that if you really have to think about whether you want to stay in your relationship, then you should probably leave it. You clearly are not that invested in it.
What should you do if
you have decided to leave?
- Think about it at length. I am not trying to encourage you to stay in an unhappy marriage, but I will say that you wanted to take on this person for the rest of your life, so you need to be certain.
- Speak with friends and family that you trust. It’s a good idea to speak with friends and family that you trust and that you can take advice from. They might be able to some good advice, but most importantly they will be able to give you support when you do go to speak with your husband and leave the marriage.
- Talk
to your husband. Things can sometimes
get sour when breaking up, especially when people are married. However, you
need to remember that you love, or loved this person at one point. Speak to
them honestly and kindly when telling them you need to leave them.
- Leave
him and don’t look back. It
will break your heart when you leave your marriage, but you have to understand
that you deserve to be happy in love, and your marriage was holding you back
from that.
What should you do if
you have decided to stay?
- Speak to your husband. Your husband will probably be aware of the fact your marriage isn’t in the best place at the moment, so you need to speak to him. He is probably going through the same predicament that you are right now. When you speak to him, do it in a space where you both feel like you can be honest and open without judgment from the other person. You also need to make sure you end the conversation on a positive note and say that you have ideas for you both to work at your marriage going forward.
- 2. Suggest that you go to therapy together. Seeing a professional therapist to work through your marriage problems can be really useful and can work wonders. This is especially true if you both find it difficult to speak honestly with each other without an argument starting. The therapist might be able to help you both see other reasons for why your marriage is struggling at the moment, that you didn’t even see before. It might also be helpful for you both to go and see the therapist separately as well as when you go together.
- 3. Make a conscious effort to be kinder to your husband, and suggest that he does the same to you. This point sounds really simple, but it can definitely work. You need to make sure that you are really concentrating on what you are saying to your husband. If you feel like you are going to say something negative, take yourself away from him. By making a conscious effort to be kinder you will probably notice your own actions more, and there will be less confrontation, especially if both of you partake in this.
- 4. Schedule dates and be more romantic. This is something you should do when you have dealt with the larger problems that your marriage is facing. You need to take your relationship back to the first stages again. Start to date each other again, be romantic and make an effort to make the other person happy. If you are both making an effort to be more romantic, you will start to realize that the relationship will be more enjoyable and fun for both of you.
Conclusion
I really hope this
article has helped you with identifying some of the signs that might be showing
in your marriage is it is coming to an end or over. However, you move forward
in a situation like this is completely down to you, but make sure that you know
you are a perfect human being capable of loving and being loved.
Did this article help
you at all? If it did and you liked what you read, please let us know in the
comments. We would love to hear from you.
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